Being 62

The events in my life for the past 6 weeks and especially the past couple days has been a "growing hill" for me. Let me explain: I used to teach kindergarten. From time to time a child would just go weird on a parent and they'd ask, "what happened?" I would explain that sometimes for us to grow "up" we have to get knocked down so we'd, in essence, have to climb back to the top of the hill and learn all sorts of lessons along the way. That's what I call a "growing hill".
My hill has been one of soul searching this time. I'd like to think I learn lessons everyday, through friends, through Gods Word, through experience. But sometimes I think I just get too big for my britches and God knocks me down so I can learn deeper lessons as I climb back up.
I have for years been a non confrontational person and truth be told I still am but I can speak my mind better than I used to. In this effort of non confrontation I keep a lot of stuff to myself that would be better communicated. And then I grow so weary of trying to tend to stuff that is other peoples responsibility that I do eventually blow! Oh not with words, you understand, but with attitude towards my husband or my grown adult children. Let me just say right here, my husband is a saint and my adult children have made a good life for themselves in spite of me.
I have come to the conclusion that I am in fact two different people living in one body. At 62 I have been accused of being a "free spirit" and I'd love to think that's what I am. I can even pull off acting like that for a time. And oh how my heart wishes I could live there. But I can't. At least not all the time. I have been accused of creating my own world and living in it! And that is partly true as well. I have a whimsical back yard with a vintage trailer that I turned into a studio for sewing, writing, reading and sharing. You see, I can control what goes on back here and that's fine with me.
Back to the events of late; part of my family is reeling from divorce right now. As I and other family members try to understand this person we see a pattern. A pattern that was in fact set upon from childhood. Could it be my fault? Could I have contributed to this pattern when in fact I could have at the very least voiced my concernens and issues? I think so. But I'm not confrontational. I bottle up things in an effort to.......to what? Keep peace, albeit false? To control events....even if it means trouble and suffering in the future? And where did mine begin? In childhood where I believed the lies of keeping quiet.
I am guilty. I have sinned by not communicating. At 62 I am learning hard lessons about communication. At 62 I am learning that it doesn't matter if I'm agreed with. What matters is that I speak truth, in love. What matters is for eternity.  I've asked God to forgive me for trying to do his job of keeping peace and harmony. My job is to love and encourage and to pray like never before for those I love. We are at war for our families. Only truth and love will prevail. Fortunately, God is both.